I like staying in hotels. I like their tiny soap. I like to pretend it's regular-sized and my muscles are huge.

I feel like humor is the answer to everything. If you have a little bit of humor in the shaker and you can sprinkle that on, that's your answer.

Why is it when you turn on the TV you see ads for telephone companies, and when you turn on the radio you hear ads for TV shows, and when you get put on hold on the phone you hear a radio station?

All magic is 'Here’s a quarter, now it’s gone. You’re a jerk. Now it’s back. You’re an idiot. Show’s over.'

Actually, the only memory I have of being a Cub Scout was trying to get my hat back. That was all I did. Run back and forth at my bus stop going "Quit it."

There is nothing more rewarding than completing a goal you have set for yourself.

If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.