I was in the drug store the other day trying to get a cold medication...Not easy. There's an entire wall of products you need. You stand there going,"Well, this one is quick acting but this is long lasting...Which is more important, the present or the future?"

I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"

Actually, the only memory I have of being a Cub Scout was trying to get my hat back. That was all I did. Run back and forth at my bus stop going "Quit it."

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

Men like a ref decision because they just want to get back to the game.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Sometimes they'll make little Play-Doh animals, and when they go to sleep, I'll break the heads off the animals and put them at the foot of their beds for them to discover in the morning. Nothing wrong with sending your kids a little Sicilian message.