A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.

I've compiled a book from the Internet. It's a book of quotations attributed to the wrong people.

I have a friend who's collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He's down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I'm sure they'd give him a raise.

What's the point of dating without games? How do you know if you're winning or losing?

The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a war. Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for them. Ever seen that little Swiss Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. Corkscrews. Bottle openers. ‘Come on, buddy, let’s go. You get past me, the guy in the back of me, he’s got a spoon. Back off, I’ve got the toe clippers right here.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings