A chef who doesn't wash his hands is like a cop who steals. It's a cry for help.

To me a lawyer is basically the person that knows the rules of the country. We're all throwing the dice, playing the game, moving our pieces around the board, but if there's a problem, the lawyer is the only person that has actually read the inside of the top of the box.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white!

Of course, everyone wants to be healthy. The amusing thing is no one's really sure how to do it.

I always did well on the essay questions. Just put everything you know on there, maybe you'll hit it.