Well, sometimes we do actually have to get up early, but a man will always trade sleep for sex.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the city.

The only way a show works is you find people who you think are qualified and talented and you give them a chance to do what they do.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Folks who go through the tabloids ought to have to be lied to.

If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?