For people on my side of the cubicle, the goal is always creativity. Spending your time overcoming corporate resistance to creativity - I just don't want to do that.

If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world.

Boy, I miss the days they made toys that could kill a kid.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.

Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it.... I think that the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up.