I think vacations are mostly completely stupid. Going to have coffee with a friend, you're probably going to have more fun than if you go to Aruba.

Comedy is just complaining in an entertaining way, Enterplaining.

I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.

People on dates shouldn't even be allowed out in public.

Fear of success is one of the new fears I've heard about lately. And I think its definitely a sign that we're running out of fears. A person suffering from fear of success is scraping the bottom of the fear barrel.

I do not know why anyone would host an awards show. No matter how unbelievably well you do at it, the only thing that can happen is you get asked again to host an awards show.

You know how your charger for your phone? It's like if you had a charger for your whole body and mind