On the side of box of my superman costume it actually said - 'Do not attempt to fly!'

But I don't want to be a pirate!

There is no more embarrassing thing in my life than the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, 'I would like to order the Ginsu Knife.'

The blessing in life is when you find the torture you are comfortable with. That's marriage, it's kids, it's work, it's exercise. Find the torture you're comfortable with and you'll do well. You've mastered that, you've mastered life.

The toughest nights when I was a young, unknown comedian were opening for these real old-time Italian singers. I'm like Grace Jones to them. "This guy is nuts-talking about socks. Where's the wife jokes, where's the fat jokes?"

If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.

I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.