I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?

Our good time is sitting in a coffee shop with a newspaper, writing a line on the back of a napkin. That is the most fun comedians ever have

You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.

It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything.

That's why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity.