I had a dream last night that a hamburger was eating me.

I prefer the old theaters because the audience is... trapped.

You know how your charger for your phone? It's like if you had a charger for your whole body and mind

What's the deal with Ovaltine? It comes in a round container, you put it in a round glass, why don't they call it Roundtine?

Comedy is just complaining in an entertaining way, Enterplaining.

Why is McDonalds still counting? How insecure is this company? 40 million, 80 billion million jillion killion tillion... who cares? Is anyone really impressed by that any more? Ooh, 89 billion sold? All right, I'll have one! I'm satisfied! I'd like to tell the CEO of McDonalds, "Look. We all get it, okay? You've sold a lot of hamburgers. Whatever the number is, just put up a sign, 'McDonalds: We're Doing Very Well.' We are tired of hearing about every goddamn one of them."

Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white!