Did you know that the original title for War and Peace was War, What Is It Good For?

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.

The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.

Why is McDonalds still counting? How insecure is this company? 40 million, 80 billion million jillion killion tillion... who cares? Is anyone really impressed by that any more? Ooh, 89 billion sold? All right, I'll have one! I'm satisfied! I'd like to tell the CEO of McDonalds, "Look. We all get it, okay? You've sold a lot of hamburgers. Whatever the number is, just put up a sign, 'McDonalds: We're Doing Very Well.' We are tired of hearing about every goddamn one of them."

Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.

If you've got a bloodstain on your T-shirt, maybe dirty laundry isn't your biggest problem.