In my world, the wronger something feels, the righter it is.

Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens, it's always, who's responsible for this?

See, the thing of it is, there's a lot of ugly people out there walking around but they don't know they're ugly because nobody actually tells them.

Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

I was the best man at the wedding... If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?

Let's examine the dog mind: Every time you come home, he thinks it's amazing. He can't believe that you've accomplished this again. You walk in the door. The joy of it almost kills him. "He's back again! It's that guy! It's that guy!"