The big advantage of a book is that it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.

I have a friend who's collecting unemployment insurance. This guy has never worked so hard in his life as he has to keep this thing going. He's down there every week, waiting on the lines and getting interviewed and making up all these lies about looking for jobs. If they had any idea of the effort and energy that he is expending to avoid work, I'm sure they'd give him a raise.

I do not know why anyone would host an awards show. No matter how unbelievably well you do at it, the only thing that can happen is you get asked again to host an awards show.

Sometimes I think more creativity is put into muffin recipes than into the rest of society combined.

The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.

People don't think of their office as a workplace anymore. They think of it as a stationary store with Danish. You want to get your pastry, your envelopes, your supplies, your toilet paper, six cups of coffee, and you go home.

I am freaking out! I am freaking out, man!