I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.

But I don't want to be a pirate!

Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."

I had a parakeet that used to fly around the house and crash into these huge mirrors my mother put in. Ever heard of this interior design principle, that a mirror makes it seem like you have an entire other room? What kind of jerk walks up to a mirror and goes, Hey look, there's a whole other room in there. There's a guy that looks just like me in there.

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but okay to go the bathroom in a handicapped stall?

The less you know about a field, the better your odds. Dumb boldness is the best way to approach a new challenge.

There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world.