I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.

If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

What's the deal with Ovaltine? It comes in a round container, you put it in a round glass, why don't they call it Roundtine?

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.