I admire the hell out of her. You can't have sex with someone you admire.

I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.

The greatest thing about being a comedian is knowing other comedians. And you get to talk to them. Its the most fun.

You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.

Success is the enemy of comedy.

Kids don't say, "Wait." They say, "Wait up, hey wait up!" Because when you're little, your life is up. The future is up. Everything you want is up. "Hold up. Shut up! Mum, I'll clean up. Let me stay up!" Parents, of course, are just the opposite. Everything is down. "Just calm down. Slow down. Come down here! Sit down. Put... that... down."

That's why breakups take two or three times- to build up immunity.