A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.

Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night?

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

One day I was watching these construction workers go back to work. I was watching them kind of trudging down the street. It was like a revelation to me. I realized these guys don’t want to go back to work after lunch. But they’re going. That’s their job. If they can exhibit that level of dedication for that job I should be able to do the same. Trudge your ass in.

Why would anybody want a friend?

We got the hot fudge on the bottom.... that allows you to control the fudge distribution while you're eating your ice cream.

All I ever wanted to do is make people laugh.