A recent survey stated that the average person's greatest fear is having to give a speech in public. Somehow this ranked even higher than death which was third on the list. So, you're telling me that at a funeral, most people would rather be the guy in the coffin than have to stand up and give a eulogy.

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

People should get married because they have finally seen the folly of being single: "Oh, this is all just kind of a bad magic trick. I just keep bending over to reach for this wallet on a string. How much longer am I gonna do that?"

You can be passionate about anything.

These pretzels are making me thirsty!

What's the point of dating without games? How do you know if you're winning or losing?

The truth is, the family is much more creatively nourishing because you're playing on a full keyboard. Whereas when you're single, you're just playing the upbeat jazzy tunes.