For a hundred years, the owners screwed the players. For 25 years, the players have screwed the owners-they've got 75 years to go.

Jim Pagliaroni joined the club tonight and is going to be a welcome addition. He was describing a girl that one of the ballplayers had been out with and said, “It's hard to say exactly what she looked like. She was kind of Joe Torre with tits.” This joke can only be explained with a picture of Joe Torre. But I'm not sure any exist. He dissolves camera lenses.

If you had a pill that would guarantee a pitcher 20 wins, but might take five years off his life, he'd take it.

Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many men on the field?

You spend a good deal of your life gripping a baseball, and it turns out it was the other way around all the time.

You're only as smart as your ERA.

A lot of long relievers are ashamed to tell their parents what they do. The only nice thing about it is that you get to wear a uniform like everbody else.