How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are.

I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.

You're on stage and because stand-up comedy is one of the few meritocracies in the entertainment industry, there's some kind of - at least for me, there's some kind of idea of control.

You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."

If you're a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who's just relaxing after he strangled a family. "Yeah-that dad was a tough one to kill."

But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move.

My favorite vegetable is the marshmallow.