How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are.

I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.

Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor."

Now don't get me wrong, I love animals, but I like eatin' 'em more... fun to pet, better to chew.

There's a certain balance between finding an opportunity to do what you really enjoy and getting caught up in the flattery of people wanting you to do things.

Is there a homeless guy built in to the design of Dunkin' Donuts? ...There'll be an entrance here... a deranged lunatic here.

You ever buy a book and not read it? You feel almost guilty having it up on a bookshelf. People are like, "Hey, how's that book?" "I haven't read it." "Oh, did you just buy it?" "I've had it since high school." "Well, can I borrow it?" "No."