Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: "Something smells like smoke in here!" "Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy."

My wife always asks me why I don't make the bed. And I respond with the same reason why I don't tie my shoes after I take them off.

I grew up in a Catholic family in the Midwest. And I knew people of different faiths and people that were atheists and people that were agnostic.

Most single guys I know think fatherhood is terrifying.

I'm bald, blind and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene.

You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?"

I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.