You ever find yourself being lazy for no reason at all? Like, you pick up your mail, you go in your house, you realize you have a letter for a neighbor. You ever just look at the letter and go "Hm. Looks like they're never getting this. It'll take too much energy to go back outside. I'm gonna get that to them later on. Right now I gotta watch some 'Love Connection.' They got some new host on there."

It's not as if ten years ago, we were like, 'I wish I could take low quality photos of my dessert.'

I've been outed as a Christian.

I do want everyone to feel comfortable. That's why I'd like to talk to you about Jesus.

Thanksgiving is the most complicated meal you can think of. Every night, dinner is just pasta. It's just different shapes of pasta.

Don't take this the wrong way but I care more and I'm a better online friend than you. I also spend way to much time online.

Nursery schools and bars at 2 a.m. are the only places where it is completely normal if someone just spontaneously throws up on the floor...and just like a toddler, the bar patron wakes up the next day not remembering or caring how they behaved.