Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don't like change and criticism become writers, actors, or comedians? There's something about this process. I joke about it: My kids have made me a better person, and I only need, like, 34 more of them to be a really good guy.

Ever eat so much you feel sick? Isn't that the best?

The idea of being a practicing Catholic, it's - for me, it's like - I need a lot of practice, you know what I mean?

How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.

I was raised in a family where my father was the first one to go to college.

It's good to be back in New York. I have lived here ten years. I'm originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana: Mafia. But the fact of the matter is where I grew up there was something very similar to the Mafia: 4-H.

I don't know, I find that honestly, the stand-up thing in some ways is a little bit of a cliché to carry around, because people don't consider stand-ups really actors.