I left the Midwest thinking I didn't fit in. But when I got to New York, I realized how truly Midwestern I was.

Stand-up used to be much more of a form combat. Heckling was much more common [in the '90s]. And I couldn't get stage time, and so I would go out to Pip's in Sheepshead Bay.

Yeah the appetizer, that's the food we eat before we have our food...No no you're thinking of dessert, that's food we eat after we have our food.

I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?

"Entertainers Of Faith," funnyman Jim Gaffigan isn't ashamed of his Catholicism. He's seen here leaving a New York comedy club with his Bible in hand.

I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."

I love sleep. I need sleep. We all do, of course. There are those people that don't need sleep. I think they're called 'successful.