I left the Midwest thinking I didn't fit in. But when I got to New York, I realized how truly Midwestern I was.

I think it's important to control your opportunities, because in the entertainment world, it's not up to you. I'm not sitting here under this naïve belief that someone in Hollywood is going, "Gaffigan! What kind of a show can I build around him?" So you have to find things that can showcase your point of view.

What exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment?

Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant.

Imagine you're drowning, and someone hands you a baby.

My kids are always awake. It's they're taking shifts. 'Alright, I'll annoy 'em from midnight to . Who wants to ?'

Twitter allowed me to talk about parenting in short snippets and find out what I really wanted to say about it, which is that I'm a dad who had no idea what he's doing.