I recently bought extreme chunky peanut butter. I opened it up.. .it was just peanuts. Wow that is extreme!

I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

I always imagine that if I met Dr. Seuss, he would be very similar to Crispin Glover.

You don't use mayonnaise, why? ... Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise? I could go outside.

I always want my standup act to appeal to everybody in the room, and when I started standup, and I would see people talk about their kids and their wife, and I'd always cringe a little bit, like, 'I can't get a date, I don't know what you're talking about.'

Some fast food places, they have that ketchup pump. It's like a keg. They give you the paper shot glass. I always like to hang around there, try and meet the ladies. "Here, I'll pump for you. You come to this Wendy's often? My roommate and I, we got a pony pump back at my dorm. Here's an extra shot "