The reason I say I'm a horrible person is I don't want myself to be presented as somebody who's a great Catholic.

My wife told me that in the Bible, Abraham circumcised himself... wow! I can't even get to the bank before it closes.

I'd really like to promote my increasing consumption of bacon.

Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.'

If camping is so great, why are the bugs always trying to get in your house?

I'm definitely hesitant wearing shorts during the summer. Like for a pale person, you know, summer - everyone in the world is so excited for summer, but pale people, we're just like, oh no.

Who was the first person to walk into a harbor and say, "Whatever that horrible smell is I want to eat it"