The reason I say I'm a horrible person is I don't want myself to be presented as somebody who's a great Catholic.

Television's very much a writer's medium, as it probably should be, but if you're not the writer, then as the performer, you defer to that. It's just kind of how it's constructed. Is there some leeway? Yeah. But I also don't want to come across as a jerk.

I think the worst professional advice I received was this kind of unspoken message of "sit back and wait your turn," or "sit back and wait and let other people do things."

It's not as if ten years ago, we were like, 'I wish I could take low quality photos of my dessert.'

Is there a homeless guy built in to the design of Dunkin' Donuts? ...There'll be an entrance here... a deranged lunatic here.

Bacon bits are like the fairy dust of the food community.

My children have made me a better man, which is - in the end, that's probably more important than two more comedy specials or being in better shape.