I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?

I think it's important to control your opportunities, because in the entertainment world, it's not up to you. I'm not sitting here under this naïve belief that someone in Hollywood is going, "Gaffigan! What kind of a show can I build around him?" So you have to find things that can showcase your point of view.

Comedy is a very lucrative business now, but when everyone first went into it, it didn't make sense from a financial standpoint.

I always want my standup act to appeal to everybody in the room, and when I started standup, and I would see people talk about their kids and their wife, and I'd always cringe a little bit, like, 'I can't get a date, I don't know what you're talking about.'

My wife's gotten really lazy, or as she calls it, 'pregnant.'

I was still rooting for Notre Dame.It's like there's the cultural Catholic experience.

Well my chocolate is so good I could sell it in an obnoxious prism shape.