I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?

I would make sweet love to Don Rickles.

There were times in my life when I had one thing to do all day, but I still couldn’t get to it. “I gotta go to the post office, but I’d probably have to put on pants. And they’re only open till five. Looks like I’m going to have to do that next week.

Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don't like change and criticism become writers, actors, or comedians? There's something about this process. I joke about it: My kids have made me a better person, and I only need, like, 34 more of them to be a really good guy.

I would say that now I'm somebody who goes to church.

Who was the first person to walk into a harbor and say, "Whatever that horrible smell is I want to eat it"

Every morning I hear the alarm, it's like "BEEP BEEP BEEP" For second I'm like, "I could get used to that, just dream I'm in a techno club, or something."