Award shows are really silly. I'm very happy for the people that win the awards, and I can say they're really silly, but I would love to get one. So I also know wasting time on that is pointless.

You think when gym teachers were younger, they're thinking, "You know, I want to teach...but I don't want to read. How about kickball for 40 years?"

Twitter allowed me to talk about parenting in short snippets and find out what I really wanted to say about it, which is that I'm a dad who had no idea what he's doing.

I'd have to say Sunset Salsa. Nothing against Honey Lime, but it's for losers.

I should clarify that anyone that goes onstage and makes strangers laugh is insane. So I am insane.

Bacon's the best, even the frying of bacon sounds like an applause.

My kids are always awake. It's they're taking shifts. 'Alright, I'll annoy 'em from midnight to . Who wants to ?'