I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm gonna start blowin crap up. It's what the founding fathers would want.

When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.

For a comedian to kind of catch onto something right as something's catching on in our culture, a lot of it is luck, and you hope the joke is funny.

I am a guy who talks about bacon and escalators.

As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife's Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights.

Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.

If someone picks up one thing you've written, you want them to go, 'Wow, this is pretty good.'