Cancer is always funny.

Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.

I don't know about you, but when they first introduced bottled water, I thought it was so funny, I was like "Bottled water! Haha, they're selling bottled water! ... I guess I'll try it. Ah, this is good, this is more watery than water. Yeah, this has got a water kick to it."

My children have made me a better man, which is - in the end, that's probably more important than two more comedy specials or being in better shape.

Lean Pockets, I don't even wanna know what's in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: 'Remove from box, place directly in toilet.' Flush Pocket!

Once you put bacon into a salad it's no longer a salad, it just becomes a game of find the bacon in the lettuce. It's like you're panning for gold, hmmmmm, EUREKA!

How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.