Cancer is always funny.

You don't use mayonnaise, why? ... Are you addicted to mayonnaise? Is it okay if I use mayonnaise? I could go outside.

I had some jokes that were dirty. And some of it is when I started making appearances on Conan and Letterman back in the late '90s, I think. You had to remove the curse words, or you couldn't do some of the more explicit jokes.

Jesus if you could cure our son's blindness that'd be great... And we'd love some shelves over there.

It's so obvious The Weather Channel is pro hurricane. Fair and balanced my ass.

Don't get caught up in other people's expectations. Don't take anything for granted, either.

Nursery schools and bars at 2 a.m. are the only places where it is completely normal if someone just spontaneously throws up on the floor...and just like a toddler, the bar patron wakes up the next day not remembering or caring how they behaved.