My new years resolution? I will be less laz.

Sometimes being lazy can get you in trouble. You ever not take a shower all weekend, just lounge around, then you're running late for work on Monday? There's always one person at work: "Something smells like smoke in here!" "Uh, I went to a barbeque on Friday night. Only had 48 hours to take a shower. Busy."

For me, it's always a little sad getting out of bed. Every morning after I get up, I always gaze longingly at my bed and lament, 'You were wonderful last night. I didn't want it to end. I can't wait to see you again.

When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.

Most single guys I know think fatherhood is terrifying.

You could say that to the pope. I want to talk to you about Jesus. He'd be like, easy, freak.

I do just want to do jokes. I don't want to be a divisive figure.