All I want to do is be a good dad, but I'm pretty bad at it.

Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don't like change and criticism become writers, actors, or comedians? There's something about this process. I joke about it: My kids have made me a better person, and I only need, like, 34 more of them to be a really good guy.

I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.

I don't want to be a TV star for the sake of being on TV. I want to have a TV show that's based around my comedy.

I think that there's part of me that feels like maybe I should have been more social.

I've never tried fatback. Probably 'cause it's called fatback. I don't know which word creeps me out more: fat or back. Why don't they just throw in "hairy" while they're at it? "This is some delicious hairy fatback."

Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?