Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.

I'm closer to Bob Newhart than Rodney Dangerfield.

But in Indiana it's not like New York where everyone's like, 'We're from New York and we're the best' or 'We're from Texas and we like things big' it's more like 'We're from Indiana and we're gonna move.

You can never find the right bowling ball. This one's too heavy. This one's good but its pink!

My whole comic persona is that of a guy who explores the id: I romanticize gluttony, I romanticize laziness, and people identify with that.

I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent.

You're on stage and because stand-up comedy is one of the few meritocracies in the entertainment industry, there's some kind of - at least for me, there's some kind of idea of control.