Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.

I'm a guy who comes from a small town in the Midwest. It's not in my nature to say the most explicit things in public.

As I go on in standup, I keep being described as cleaner and cleaner as I do each hour, they're like, 'It's unbelievable how clean,' 'He's the cleanest person in the world.' And then I'll do shows and people will be like, 'You're supposed to be so clean, but you're talking about cancer.'

I've been doing theaters like the Warner for about a year and we've found the earlier you get the tickets on sale the better idea you get on how many shows we will be doing.

I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to have my old girlfriend's name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells.

Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor."

Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though.