Other people's children's birthday parties are the most joyful events you will ever resent having to attend.

I never went to church when I was in college, either.

You know, I want to teach, but I don’t want to read?

There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.

I feel guilty if I'm not reading books, but I read scripts of movies or things that I know I'm committed to that I'm going to do the project. I tell myself, "I'm going to read this script like six times," and I only read it the initial time.

Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work toward.

You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, "Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out."