Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor."

I'm a big eater. I mean, a lot of my stand-up is about food, and you write about what you know, and that's the only thing I know. I don't know anything else.

If camping is so great, why are the bugs always trying to get in your house?

I'm a guy who comes from a small town in the Midwest. It's not in my nature to say the most explicit things in public.

The question is the primary form of communication for little kids.

The amount of guilt you deal with as a parent is pretty profound. It's a constant balancing act. I'm an ambitious person, but when I became a father, ambition had a different hold on me. Providing for my kids was important, but the superficial ambition drifted away.

I usually don't have a burger, a brat, and a steak but it is 4th of July. And I need the energy if I'm gonna start blowin crap up. It's what the founding fathers would want.