Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor."

I don't want people to think I believe in God.

Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does, right?

I need the concept of mercy for me to have some semblance of self-admiration. So in real life, I'm probably somebody who is more devout.

How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.

Pie can't compete with cake. Put candles in a cake, it's a birthday cake. Put candles in a pie, someone's drunk in the kitchen.

You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."