I've been doing theaters like the Warner for about a year and we've found the earlier you get the tickets on sale the better idea you get on how many shows we will be doing.

I'd really like to promote my increasing consumption of bacon.

New York has made me so paranoid, too. Whenever I visit another city, I always act like I'm from there, so the cab driver doesn't rip me off. I'm always like, "Yeah, it's good to be back home. Back here where I grew up. Yeah. Here in Tokyo. ... Uh, driver, I need to go to my old stomping grounds. That would be the Holiday Inn. And the address appears to be the pound sign."

I was raised in a family where my father was the first one to go to college.

For a comedian to kind of catch onto something right as something's catching on in our culture, a lot of it is luck, and you hope the joke is funny.

The idea of being a practicing Catholic, it's - for me, it's like - I need a lot of practice, you know what I mean?

How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.