The appetizer is just an excuse for an extra meal. Let's see, I will start with the eighty buffalo wings.

I worked on USA Today as a topic for while. I tried to do something on hand chairs, chairs that look like hands. I really tried. But some topics are not truly universal.

There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.

That's my private business. Besides, the perception is that people that believe in God are stupid.

As I go on in standup, I keep being described as cleaner and cleaner as I do each hour, they're like, 'It's unbelievable how clean,' 'He's the cleanest person in the world.' And then I'll do shows and people will be like, 'You're supposed to be so clean, but you're talking about cancer.'

But truly, women are amazing. Think about it this way: a woman can grow a baby inside her body. Then a woman can deliver the baby through her body. Then, by some miracle, a woman can feed a baby with her body. When you compare that to the male’s contribution to life, it’s kind of embarrassing, really.

There's something about being a parent that has, I think, made me a better comedian.