Without Valentine's Day, February would be... well, January.

There's something that's really fun about the challenge of making the mundane funny, too, I think.

Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings.

Well my chocolate is so good I could sell it in an obnoxious prism shape.

How dumb do I think the Americans are? I bet you we could sell those idiots water.

They always give you three ketchup packets. When you go back up and ask for more, the guy handing them out always treats you like you're taking from his personal stash. "Looks like my kids aren't having ketchup tonight."

Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.'