I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.

Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels.

You think Jesus ever tried to talk God out of some of that stuff? 'Instead of that whole crucifixion, how about we do a big fundraiser!'

I left the Midwest thinking I didn't fit in. But when I got to New York, I realized how truly Midwestern I was.

Don't take this the wrong way but I care more and I'm a better online friend than you. I also spend way to much time online.

Well my chocolate is so good I could sell it in an obnoxious prism shape.

I don't curse on stage, but I feel like I curse more because I have kids and in front of my kids. Not intentionally.