There are some people who know who I am but there are a lot of people that have no idea who I am - which is not to say that that's a bad thing.

I saw this college team bowling championship. Each team had their own coach. What kind of strategy advice is a bowling coach giving? "You know what? This time Timmy, I want you to knock down all the pins." "You sure?" "Trust me. Just do it son!"

I don't have any delusions. I'm not a novelist - I'm a comedian who writes. I love doing the stand-up and the touring and the albums and all that, but it's pretty amazing to go into a library and see your book there.

If only opening a Vitamin Water could be classified as working out.

I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.

I didn't think that it's something that would happen. I didn't think I would be in the position, emotionally or financially, to be able to do that. But I've been lucky [to have big family].

What exactly are the ingredients of Ranch dressing? Mayo and disappointment?