There are some people who know who I am but there are a lot of people that have no idea who I am - which is not to say that that's a bad thing.

Now the Thanksgiving meal is just so unnecessarily difficult. I mean even mashed potatoes - it's like the most difficult kind of, you know, medieval idea. All right, instead of just cooking them, why don't you spend, like, eight hours peeling them and then we'll have to mash them up. It feels like prison labor, really.

What kind of life are you leading where you consider ketchup fancy? "Well, we ain't rich folk, but on special occasions, I'll break out the ketchup. Grandma's birthday, make her feel special"

You can never look that tough in glasses. ... You never see somebody push up their glasses and say, "I'm gonna kick your ass."

I think stand-up comedy is this - it's this kind of indulgence and narcissism.

It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"

I should clarify that anyone that goes onstage and makes strangers laugh is insane. So I am insane.