I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.

Whenever one of my children says, 'Goodnight, Daddy,' I always think to myself, 'You don't mean that.

Award shows are really silly. I'm very happy for the people that win the awards, and I can say they're really silly, but I would love to get one. So I also know wasting time on that is pointless.

Stand-up comedy in the end, unlike the rest of the entertainment industry, is a meritocracy. There's a certain level of undeniability you can work toward.

I love the impatience of New York... You ever had somebody not ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently walking down the street, you hear a horn, all of a sudden some guy's like, 'HOLLAND TUNNEL!!!' ...You know, like you were supposed to fax this guy directions. Suddenly, you're wasting HIS time.

I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.

I grew up 45 minutes outside of Chicago.