Have you seen the bologna that has the olives in it? Who's that for? 'I like my bologna like a martini. With an olive.' 'I'll have the bologna sandwich - dirty.'

I smoke crack. I get all my dancers together and we do a prayer.

Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?

For a comedian to kind of catch onto something right as something's catching on in our culture, a lot of it is luck, and you hope the joke is funny.

Now that I'm married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate... being alone.

There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.

I worked on USA Today as a topic for while. I tried to do something on hand chairs, chairs that look like hands. I really tried. But some topics are not truly universal.