Some people have their own bowling ball and their own bowling shoes... and no friends.

The only advantage to wearing glasses is that you can do that dramatic removal.

I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.

Kale is a superfood and it’s special power is tasting bad.

I guess the reasons against having more children always seem uninspiring and superficial. What exactly am I missing out on? Money? A few more hours of sleep? A more peaceful meal? More hair? These are nothing compared to what I get from these five monsters who rule my life.

I don't know, I find that honestly, the stand-up thing in some ways is a little bit of a cliché to carry around, because people don't consider stand-ups really actors.

When you hear bacon cooking....that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking....that's applause.