Some people have their own bowling ball and their own bowling shoes... and no friends.

There's this message to comedians in particular, that you shouldn't write it, and a television writer should write it. And that's a prevailing conventional wisdom that I think is really wrong. That's not to say that television writers aren't great, but I think that the belief that some comedy writer's going to be able to capture your voice is naive.

I'm not a strict vegetarian. I do eat beef and pork. And chicken. But not fish 'cause that's disgusting! How do you know when fish goes bad? It smells like fish either way! 'Hey this smells like a dumpster, lets eat it!'

I really don't care about birthdays. It's something where even as a kid, I never really felt comfortable when someone would sing to me.

You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.

I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.

I should clarify that anyone that goes onstage and makes strangers laugh is insane. So I am insane.