Some people have their own bowling ball and their own bowling shoes... and no friends.

I've always wanted to be an actor. I've never planned on the acting and the stand-up feeding each other; they've always been separate desires.

There should be a children's song: 'If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep'.

Don't take this the wrong way but I care more and I'm a better online friend than you. I also spend way to much time online.

I am single, I don't drink. It's kind of hard to get a woman buzzed when you don't drink. You'll be like, "Yeah, I'll have a glass of water, you want a shot of Jäger? You want eight of 'em?"

I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?

Ireland is a place that's beautiful and interesting, but I remember when I went there as a teenager with my parents, I was like, "Okay, I'll go to Ireland with my parents. It's going to be green." I think people underestimate it, in that it's, "Oh, it's green," and then you get there, and it's like, "Wow, it is green!" It's, "Oh, there's Irish music," and then you get there, and you're like, "Oh, this Irish music is amazing!" You underestimate it.