Playing frisbee with a five year old is amazingly similar to chasing after a frisbee.

Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor."

I got married. My wife changed her name. I know some women have a problem with that. But I wanted her to have my old girlfriend's name. So call me old-fashioned, but this fella does what the Bible tells.

The entertainment business is such a strange, crazy perception business that you're either given way too much respect, like people saying, "You should be the head of the sitcom!" Or you're given no respect, where they're like, "You should audition to be the garbage man that lives four houses down."

I always imagine that if I met Dr. Seuss, he would be very similar to Crispin Glover.

We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. ‘You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!’

I'm much more interested in making people laugh than getting applause breaks.