I love writing stand-up so much and tinkering and looking for ideas.

Oh great, socks. You know I'm dying for your sins right? Yeah, but thanks for the socks! They'll go great with my sandals. What am I, German?

I think what Pope Francis is saying is that nobody's perfect, you know? And so someone like Joe Biden, you know, where - you know, when he was running for president, people were - there were some bishops that were like don't let him have the Eucharist. And Pope Francis is saying that's not the point of this.

You can never find the right bowling ball. This one's too heavy. This one's good but its pink!

My whole comic persona is that of a guy who explores the id: I romanticize gluttony, I romanticize laziness, and people identify with that.

There are people that are vegetarians that love bacon.

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.