My wife always asks me why I don't make the bed. And I respond with the same reason why I don't tie my shoes after I take them off.

Boutique hotels are great, but they get too cute. Some hotels have shoe polish. It's like, come on, this isn't 1960. No one's polishing their shoes.

Every morning I hear the alarm, it's like "BEEP BEEP BEEP" For second I'm like, "I could get used to that, just dream I'm in a techno club, or something."

It's so obvious The Weather Channel is pro hurricane. Fair and balanced my ass.

My new years resolution? I will be less laz.

It really never came up, but I think that in present-day America, they're - you know, and I touched on it in the initial clip - is that we are in the middle of this culture war.

Lean Pockets, I don't even wanna know what's in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: 'Remove from box, place directly in toilet.' Flush Pocket!