My wife always asks me why I don't make the bed. And I respond with the same reason why I don't tie my shoes after I take them off.

That's my private business. Besides, the perception is that people that believe in God are stupid.

My wife and I, we work together. And we wrote this book, "Dad Is Fat." And in the book, I was encouraged constantly by my editor to be more personal and talk about more personal experiences.

Smiling babies should actually be categorized by the pharmaceutical industry as a powerful antidepressant.

I realized, in removing or rewriting these jokes, that often the jokes weren't done or that I was using, for me, the curse words as kind of a crutch. So then I just started writing.

I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.

Cookies at both of them. The cookies are probably better at Letterman though.