My wife always asks me why I don't make the bed. And I respond with the same reason why I don't tie my shoes after I take them off.

I realized, in removing or rewriting these jokes, that often the jokes weren't done or that I was using, for me, the curse words as kind of a crutch. So then I just started writing.

When you have five little kids, you're not going to open Mindy Kaling's latest book. You're playing with your kids.

Hey, people who travel with their bed pillow. You look insane.

How about those people who don't need sleep? What are they called again? Successful? What a bunch of dicks they are.

The amount of guilt you deal with as a parent is pretty profound. It's a constant balancing act. I'm an ambitious person, but when I became a father, ambition had a different hold on me. Providing for my kids was important, but the superficial ambition drifted away.

Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.