My kids are so dramatically different, but it's not like I would trade one in or like there's one I would pick over the other ones. I know that sounds like I'm bullshitting. I also have five of them so I barely know them.

If you're a guy over 30 by yourself in the hotel pool, you automatically look like a murderer who's just relaxing after he strangled a family. "Yeah-that dad was a tough one to kill."

“Really, there are two types of people who go bowling. There are people who really, really love bowling. Then there are the people that are like: wouldn’t it be hysterical if we went bowling?”

I didn't choose to be the guy who talks about the mundane - it's just who I am and it's what kind of works for me.

Weight Watchers says nothing tastes better than thin feels. I can think of a thousand things that taste better than thin feels.

I think when I started doing stand-up, that's when I really tried to question everything in my belief system which is - I think a pretty important part of being a comedian is really questioning things.

I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this.