I reached a point in my life where I didn't really like who I was.I was married to an amazing woman. I had children, and yet there was frustration.

Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor."

Cancer is always funny.

I never have free time, I don't know about you. You ever go to the cash machine, there's two people in line in front of you and you get kinda flustered, you're like "Forget it! I'm not standing here for 40 seconds. I got things to do, okay?"

As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife's Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights.

When you hear bacon cooking....that sizzling sound isn't the fat cooking....that's applause.

You ever get a postcard, you get so excited you don't even read it! "Hey I got a - who cares."