I know that Colbert could quote Thomas Aquinas and all this, but I'm somebody who, because it's a necessity for me on a personal basis. I need it because I'm a lunatic.
Jim GaffiganOnce you put bacon into a salad it's no longer a salad, it just becomes a game of find the bacon in the lettuce. It's like you're panning for gold, hmmmmm, EUREKA!
Jim GaffiganHow'd we come up with the robe? Was some guy just like, 'Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't we make a coat out of a towel? You can have a little belt that goes around. You could dunk the belt in the toilet! Have a toilet belt.'
Jim GaffiganTwitter allowed me to talk about parenting in short snippets and find out what I really wanted to say about it, which is that I'm a dad who had no idea what he's doing.
Jim GaffiganWe are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure some of you are looking at me and thinking, โWell, at least I am not as weird as you,โ and I am thinking, โWell, at least I am not as weird as the people in the loony bin,โ and the people in the loony bin are thinking, โWell, at least I am an orangeโ.
Jim Gaffigan