Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings.

Jesus if you could cure our son's blindness that'd be great... And we'd love some shelves over there.

I think I grew up with the idea that God was a punishing being, constructed around rules.

I would make sweet love to Don Rickles.

Babies and toddlers are mostly what I've been exposed to at this point. I'm hoping parenting just gets much easier after this. It does, right?

Some people that work for Hot Pockets came to my Denver Paramount Theater show. They brought these hot pocket boxes the size of suit cases for me to sign. I wrote "these are WMD's" on the boxes. The HP people seem to have a good sense of humor about all of it.

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.