Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings.

Now that I'm married and have two beautiful children, it really makes me appreciate... being alone.

I'd really like to promote my increasing consumption of bacon.

Whenever you correct someone's grammar just remember that nobody likes you.

Anyone know if the shuttles to Hell will have Wifi? Asking for a friend.

Why do you have to be out of town to write a postcard? I want a to write a postcard to my neighbor: "I still live near you!" The guy sees me go into my apartment, flips the card over, it's just a picture of me holding a rifle.

Do you ever leave a message for somebody and the answering machine cuts you off, and you have to decide whether you should not call back, or call back and appear like a stalker? "Hi. It's me again. I forgot to tell you that I'm going to kill you. Because I'm the freak who keeps calling and calling."