Ironically, to my children, bedtime is a punishment that violates their basic rights as human beings.

I watch a lot of TV, I drink a lot of coffee, but you know what's really addictive? Heroin.

As a dad, you are the Vice President of the executive branch of parenting. It doesn't matter what your personality is like, you will always be Al Gore to your wife's Bill Clinton. She feels the pain and you are the annoying nerd telling them to turn off the lights.

You ever read a book that changed your life? Me neither.

There is this false perception that comedians can never be serious. It's like from like the era of court jesters.

The amount of guilt you deal with as a parent is pretty profound. It's a constant balancing act. I'm an ambitious person, but when I became a father, ambition had a different hold on me. Providing for my kids was important, but the superficial ambition drifted away.

I'm not a foodie; I'm an eatie. I don't have anything against foodies. I just don't have the time or the interest to do that much research.