Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine.

I didn't choose to be the guy who talks about the mundane - it's just who I am and it's what kind of works for me.

One thing I'm afraid of is not taking advantage of opportunities. I feel like these are kind of gifts.

We wrote about having five kids and bringing them to church. A journalist at The Washington Post wrote this article where the headline was "The New Catholic Evangelism Of Jim Gaffigan." And it was a bit terrifying.

All I want to do is be a good dad, but I'm pretty bad at it.

What kind of life are you leading where you consider ketchup fancy? "Well, we ain't rich folk, but on special occasions, I'll break out the ketchup. Grandma's birthday, make her feel special"

Be more assertive with what you want to do.