Gyms are always packed. The only machine available is the one that simulates the gynecological exam. You know, the Sharon Stone machine.

Don't you think it's strange how many referees work at Footlocker?

I initially signed up for Twitter just to do jokes I wasn't going to do in my stand-up routine.

I don't want people to think I believe in God.

Thanksgiving. It's like we didn't even try to come up with a tradition. The tradition is, we overeat. 'Hey, how about at Thanksgiving we just eat a lot?' 'But we do that every day!' 'Oh. What if we eat a lot with people that annoy the hell out of us?'

I think when my mother died, it was such a - you know, a shock to the logic that I had been raised with.

All I want to do is be a good dad, but I'm pretty bad at it.