Thanksgiving is the most complicated meal you can think of. Every night, dinner is just pasta. It's just different shapes of pasta.

Bacon is like the opposite of medicine. It's like, "Take that, Lipitor."

Whenever I'm out of town for at least a week, I feel like I should write a postcard or something, but you can be a genius, you try and write a postcard you come across like a moron anyway: 'This city's got big buildings. I like food. Bye.'

We are all a little weird. And we like to think that there is always someone weirder. I mean, I am sure some of you are looking at me and thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as you,” and I am thinking, “Well, at least I am not as weird as the people in the loony bin,” and the people in the loony bin are thinking, “Well, at least I am an orange”.

I'm a comedian, which is the opposite of a lifestyle that equips you to be a parent.

It's a balancing act of you feel horrible that you're away but there is something about the road that is rather liberating.

Be more assertive with what you want to do.