Be more assertive with what you want to do.

I'm a big eater. I mean, a lot of my stand-up is about food, and you write about what you know, and that's the only thing I know. I don't know anything else.

When our bed is made, it's covered in 40 pillows-like we're stockpiling ammo for the global pillow fight.

Once you put bacon into a salad it's no longer a salad, it just becomes a game of find the bacon in the lettuce. It's like you're panning for gold, hmmmmm, EUREKA!

I think I grew up with the idea that God was a punishing being, constructed around rules.

There is the vegetarian Hot Pocket for those of us who don't want to eat meat, but would still like diarrhea.

We all take Mother's Day seriously and then it's like a month later, a bunch of kids get together and say, "I guess we should do this for the old man, too." Father Day's is weird. It's like celebrating Darth Vader's birthday. It's odd I think. Even the gifts we give dads. Like neckties, which are just like a silk noose. Or books. Would you ever want someone from another generation to give you a book?