Be more assertive with what you want to do.

I am somebody who - my path to my faith is very kind of individual, and I don't want to be lumped into the category of those Westboro Baptists.

I think it's important to control your opportunities, because in the entertainment world, it's not up to you. I'm not sitting here under this naïve belief that someone in Hollywood is going, "Gaffigan! What kind of a show can I build around him?" So you have to find things that can showcase your point of view.

I only dated one Asian girl, but she was very Asian. She was a panda.

We tend to outdo ourselves.

I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?

I never went to church when I was in college, either.