Be more assertive with what you want to do.

I believe that comedians do what they do, and then they get credit or criticism for doing it. There's nothing planned about this.

I always had this romantic notion of living in New York. I just felt like, everyone could be different and weird and whatever they are in New York.

It's strange how interesting your dreams are, but when someone tries to tell you their dream you're just like "WHATEVER! Why don't you send me an e-mail so I can delete it?"

Nursery schools and bars at 2 a.m. are the only places where it is completely normal if someone just spontaneously throws up on the floor...and just like a toddler, the bar patron wakes up the next day not remembering or caring how they behaved.

I didn't choose to be the guy who talks about the mundane - it's just who I am and it's what kind of works for me.

I like bowling. It's just one of those things where I can do so many jokes about it because I do know bowling. Somebody once said, "The whitest things in the world are Jim Gaffigan and bowling."