Whatever a writer gets paid for his book, it's never enough. I think that's true. It's hard work. But in the end, you wrote a book. It's something real and tangible that sits on a shelf forever.

"I got up early because I wanted to." - Nobody

The reason I say I'm a horrible person is I don't want myself to be presented as somebody who's a great Catholic.

I'd really like to promote my increasing consumption of bacon.

I would make sweet love to Don Rickles.

I love the impatience of New York... You ever had somebody not ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently walking down the street, you hear a horn, all of a sudden some guy's like, 'HOLLAND TUNNEL!!!' ...You know, like you were supposed to fax this guy directions. Suddenly, you're wasting HIS time.

I really don't care about birthdays. It's something where even as a kid, I never really felt comfortable when someone would sing to me.