What kind of life are you leading where you consider ketchup fancy? "Well, we ain't rich folk, but on special occasions, I'll break out the ketchup. Grandma's birthday, make her feel special"

I'm closer to Bob Newhart than Rodney Dangerfield.

I was looking at a bottle of water; they have nutritional facts printed on the side. You know, I'm no chemist, but I have a rough idea what's in water.

The real question is should we trust people who don't like cheese?

I went to a Catholic University and there's something about being a Catholic-American. You know, St. Patrick's Day is, I'm Irish-Catholic. There's alcoholism in my family. It's like I've got to be Catholic, right?

There is this false perception that comedians can never be serious. It's like from like the era of court jesters.

Raising kids may be a thankless job with ridiculous hours, but at least the pay sucks.